These were written when I was getting divorced, started healing from sexual traumas, addiction and an eating disorder. Many people ask me how to start healing, where to begin. I can’t tell anyone the right way for them to heal but this is where I started many years ago…
April 2017
When things change do, we go or stay? Technicalities are always in the way.
Bear the seasons, they come and go—the only changes are how we grow. Why don’t I write more, what am I afraid of? So many pages left blank could be full of things I love. I think my thoughts are useless outside of my head. Writing is what I love but for some reason I stay away, thoughts of what I would write keep me away. I don’t want anyone to find out about the things that are on my mind daily. I don’t think anyone would understand me, my desires to give love and affection away. My life is missing so many people I gave my love away to, yet I am not missing them at all. They had no idea that’s who I am. It had nothing to do with them and everything to do with me.
One of the hardest things about being a human is when you’re sad, especially when nobody knows you’re so sad, and if they did you wouldn’t want to tell them why. But the best part about sadness is the ability to explore deep into the depths of your soul while you’re already drowning, the depths of your very own cellular make up, to figure out what it is that truly makes you sad but also happy. Trying to figure this out all on your own, how could I expect anyone else to understand at all? I ache to understand myself even just a little more. So much heartache has come with connection, yet I have no idea what it is that I am truly mourning. My sadness pours over me in ways I can’t even understand. Sometimes, I think I am addicted to it. I’m also aware that I am the cause of the issues that form these thoughts. So, why do I need the same lessons over and over? What is the lesson? Why do I feel so much more intensely than everyone I’m surrounded by? Will it always be this way? Do I have to keep learning lessons to understand the life that I know as reality? When will any of it make sense?
Why was I born? Answer is obvious and short: to endure endless abuse from others if I’m using my victim mindset. From the time I was small, I was sexually, verbally, physically, and emotionally abused. I wouldn’t take it back. That is a serious question, why was I born? When will I heal from the things others have inflicted upon my body, mind, and spirit? How will I heal? Why is healing so messy and complicated? Every time I heal from one thing, I remember another. It’s disheartening, exhausting, and pretty unfair to those that love me. How am I supposed to know what is healing me vs. what is hurting me? More importantly, I want to know WHY. My soul is freaking messy, I just want to organize the chaos, to be more in control at least. How much hurting/healing will get my soul to a point of relief? So why was I born? What’s the point of using my pain to help people when I can hardly grasp it myself? How do I keep trying and when does it end? Why am I living this life?
21 MAR 2018
What are my boundaries?
-not allowing anyone to treat me poorly based off their self-image or attitudes.
-not engaging in harmful relationships, including harming people because of that relationship.
How am I going to put these boundaries into practice?
-being up front and honest about my needs/wants.
-being clear about my needs/wants.
-being clear about what I am willing to say “no” to.
31 MAR 2018
Thankful, abundant, manifesting:
Being sober feels so good. I feel like a more connected person, a more loving person, and a more patient person. I’m rational. I enjoy things. I experience bliss. I have self-made motivation. Things are good; I am focusing on myself for once. I’m doing my best to also be a patient and loving mother. I’m loving my friends and family better. I’m not asking so many questions—it is what it is! I am truly learning the significance of non-attachment and I genuinely believe that is the key to my evolution right now. I’ve learned a ton this year already. I don’t want to waste another moment by not being in the moment. I own each moment of my existence. I want to be real with everything in this life. Real people, real places, real things, real emotions, no matter how that looks or feels. I’m feeling it. I feel so connected, yet know I am so detached. I am owning it all and making purpose for myself.
April 2018
What is the next lesson? I find myself wanting to make connections without connecting to people. People get the wrong perception of me. This doesn’t bother me as much as the fact that I give the opportunity for people to perceive me at all. I’m sensing another shift in who I am wanting to become, another challenge… and a different plan. Moving from this city is going to be my biggest framework in the growth to come.
8 JUN 2018
Why do I always feel as though I am starting fresh? I guess the goal is every day to wake up with a freshness about me and how I feel about my life. Navigating these feelings completely sober is essential to my growth right now. I have so many self and family goals to focus on right now. There is nothing that I don’t have. I am really such a lovely individual. That is something I don’t want to keep a secret. I am an unhidden treasure. My values and work ethic are like no other. I set goals and conquer them without breaking a sweat (maybe some tears). My life and my home are exactly how I want them. I expect the best from myself. I live for my kids and what they will absorb from me and carry out. I adore the people I’ve met and loved on this journey. I am a compilation of every encounter, significance matters not. I want to help everyone to get out of their bliss and into their darkness like I have. That is a scary place for most, and sometimes its scary just to be alone.
13 JUL 2018
Here I am again, giving this sobriety thing my all and I know its going to stick this time. I’m finding myself frustrated with so many things that haven’t stuck but I am to blame because I’ve failed to DIRECT MY ENERGY APPROPRIATELY. Here is a brief list of things that have been creeping into my emotional well-being:
*Toxic people- just DON’T. I know this pattern and I know how it ends. I’m proud of myself for practicing healthy boundaries in other areas though. Sadly, that is with my mothers and sisters.
*Focus on finances- more energy needs to be moved towards this. If I want to be free, I must also be disciplined.
*Focus on ME- STOP being bitter about not having help or anyone to love. I know what I am seeking, the feeling I am seeking is out there. I must be deserving of it. Right now, I’m stuck in the same pattern.
*SOBRIETY- key to it all. BE GOOD TO ME AND TAKE CARE OF ME, mind body and soul.
16 JUL 2018
What am I feeling? Why do I feel so ashamed of these emotions? I can’t keep allowing people to come and go in my life. Then again, am I only getting the energy in which I give to others? Why do I feel so much for people who feel so little for me? Sobriety is utterly amazing. I never want to live another life. I can feel myself finally giving into the transformation I’ve been desperate for. Everything I want/need is here, gently flowing to me. This life is such a blessing and a miracle. I am so proud of everything I have overcome to be where I am right now and I will not stop pushing through what has now become so effortless, being myself in this life. It is so sweet, messy, and scary all at once. There are so many things to work through that I’ve been avoiding for so long. I thought blocking things out was the answer, but I’ve cheated myself out of this true healing I get to experience. Here I am, thankful for this loving opportunity, thankful to be aware of so many things that I can change, the things that challenge my spirit. I have so much damage to pour out of my mindset, but I am ready to say goodbye to it.
31 AUG 2018
Unsober, unfeeling, wondering if this is me or not because it feels right but doesn’t and then it does. So calm, yet so chaotic—looking for a way to solve this. I crave the balance of the downs and the ups. I keep dancing with myself and then seeking the challenge of the balance.
ziji 